A Guide to Spotting the Idiots of Our Species: Males, Part I

Let’s face it, ladies. Telling the difference between some douchebag and a man of substance can be tricky. Or not.

And while some women don’t care, or even enjoy, being coupled with a dickhole of a man—either in dating or marriage—it’s my civic duty to help women who truly desire a decent fellow on their arm.

I’ve seen too many great women friends fall for the lowliest of men—and it’s both sad and frustrating to watch. Can’t they clearly see—as I can—that this guy is a dickhole?

(And before you get all pissy, I use the terms “dickhole” and “douchebag” freely here to refer to idiot men, and “skank” to refer to women who prefer, or like, dickholes and douchebags. If you’re offended, get a life and take a chill pill.)

Anyway, as a man myself, I have a lifetime of inside information to accompany the copious inferences listed below. You can trust the following tell-tale signs that show a man is a dickhole, or possibly a douchebag. But if you’re a woman and don’t agree, or find offense because I just outed your fellow, you’re probably a skank. And most of the men on this list love a skank, so don’t worry.

Let’s get to it, shall we? Any woman interested in finding a decent man should avoid:

1. Men who don’t look you in the eyes when speaking to you.This one should be easy, but too many women make excuses for such behavior. He’s deep. He’s troubled. His mind is too strong to merely exist in the “now” of the moment.

   No, he’s a shady fuck. If a man isn’t looking you in the eyes while speaking, he’s not deep or mysterious, he’s an asshole who is either lying or trying to hide the fact that he’s a dickhole.

   On the plus side for skanks, this fellow will try to maintain the “front” that he’s deep and meaningful for quite a while—until he’s outed, of course. Which always happens. And what do these fellows do once the world discovers they’re really shallow, lying sacks of shit? Look the other way…

2. Guys who wear Axe Body Spray.

   This stuff smells like rancid ass, and no man would ever dare to spray this substance on his person. And while any over-use of cologne is a sure-sign that a man is a douche (we should never be able to smell a man after he passes, or if we’re standing within ten feet) Axe Body Spray is the worst.Usually, Axe Body Spray is used to cover up “loser scent” that most douchebags produce naturally—an odor that is a combination of sweaty gym sock and cat piss.

   However, there are plenty of skanks who grew up near chemical plants, or have no sense of smell, and find Axe Body Spray attractive. But let’s face it… men who use this smell like the freshly mopped floor of a Mexican hotel. (Disclaimer: That last statement is not racist. I am fortunate enough to live in a mixed culture, and I love Mexico, even Mexican hotels. The floors of a Mexican hotel are always freshly mopped, and have an acrid, sweet chemical odor that is not unpleasant for hotel floors, but should not be associated with a living human being. That’s all I’m saying.)

3. Men who have a chain attached to their wallets.Nobody is going to steal your six dollars, you douchebag fuck.
4. A man with a tattoo on the neck or hand.Look, there are some really really stupid men out there, and I always wished that they just had a sign on their forehead that said “dickhole.” This is as good as you’re going to get.

   Usually narcissistic, aggressive, and confident without any logical reason to be confident, these are perhaps the most easy to spot.

   However, the incredible depth of their stupidity and douchebaggery can often work as a magnet for the skank who wants to stand out in a crowd.

5. The man who is a bona-fide Gym Rat.He’s got little outfits and special clothes, probably wafting Axe Body Spray while watching himself watch himself watch for hotties in the mirror while doing his “reps.”

   Look, a real man doesn’t need to work out, and will still have a manly body—not some model’s body that (in time and with scant neglect) will turn into roundness and soft lines. Kind of womanly, eventually.

   A real man can change his oil, lay a concrete footer for a retaining wall, and screw his lady—all in the time it takes a Gym Rat to do his “routine” for that marvelous, cut body. If you’ve got no scrapes or calluses on your hands from doing actual work, you’re likely a soft douche.

   Besides, real work is good for the mind. Lifting a weight for no logical reason over and over and over again? It’s boring, and that’s why Gym Rats are usually the most boring people in the world. Unless they’re looking into that mirror. Fortunately for Gym Rats, many women, like many men, are fooled by packaging.

6. Dickholes who replace their perfectly functioning headlights for those super-bright and annoying LED headlights.My god, you’re an asshole.

   6b. Douchebags who replace perfectly functioning tire rims for stupid-looking, expensive, giant and impractical rims.

   My god, you look like an idiot. Thank you for letting the rest of us know.

7. Loud men.One of my favorite African proverbs is: The louder the drum, the more hollow. I don’t know why some people think that volume is somehow associated with character or substance, but there are plenty of skanks out there who like to stand out in a crowd, to see all the heads turn in their direction.

   But people are really turning to wonder who the fucking loud douchebag is.

8. Men who wax any part of their body. 

   Let’s face it… They’re merely homosexual (and there’s nothing wrong with that). But really, it’s just a matter of time.

9. The tough guy.He’s so sexy! He doesn’t care what other people think (even you, his lady). He’ll say and do what he thinks when he feels like it, no matter who will suffer.

   Because he is so small on the inside (and possible “down there”) he must crush and stomp others to make himself feel like a man.These are the most dangerous douchebags out there, and skanks love them. Many regular women mistake the tough guy’s vapid posturing as character, but tough guys are shallow and prone to bringing females down to a prehistoric and guttural level. Domestic violence, anyone? Again, some skanks love it.

That’s all for now. Part two will come sometime later, but feel free to leave a comment on dickholes and douchebags I haven’t identified yet… or if you disagree.

And yes, I will cover women too in the coming days…

But ladies? Please do yourself a favor and steer clear of any of the above, or show this to a fellow who you think might be decent, but is showing evidence of douchebaggery. Maybe there’s still time (Hint: There isn’t. He’s always going to be a douchebag).

And fellas? If you made the list, consider changing your ways. You’ll still be a dickhole, but you might be able to hide it for a little while (Hint: Not for long. Settle down with a nice skank and get it over with).